Review: The Cube Cinema Presents - The Quantum Horse!

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Tagline from the show's ad: The Quantum Horse story is action packed. Once upon a time a panto horse splits in two & goes on the run. What happens next is a thrilling & comical chase through space and time.  A story of being multiple & being together. It's a show that reflects on the long traditions of pantomime whilst attempting to breathe new (h)airs & graces into the medium.

Spoilers in this review: minimal but some do exist. Avoid reading further if you want a completely uninformed experience!

Factual information: The Quantum Horse is a live pantomime produced by a small local production team in Bristol, UK, with a running time of approximately 3 hours (including an intermission), which includes both traditional and non-traditional elements of the genre. Tickets cost $6 (for low/unwaged/under 18's), £12 (for all other adults) with an option to become a primary supporter by paying as little as £48 (which includes a whole package of extras). 

In a nutshell: I really enjoyed myself, and would recommend seeing the show to most people I know! Additionally, there are some bits of information I would offer to help anyone seeing the show (or taking others with them) get the most out of the performance experience. Also, I attended the show with my 75 year old grandmother, who also enjoyed herself, possibly even more than I did! If I had to use some wretched but recogniseable rating system I'd give it four out of five stars.

The (current?) venue is the infamous Cube Cinema, which has been a staple Bristol performance venue for some 25 years (or more if you count its previous incarnations!) and it comes with all the charm and smarm that entails. It has a very limited capacity, so queuing to see anything there is generally a breeze. The staff are always extremely friendly and good natured and enthusiastic about the work they do! Toilets are gender neutral, being marked "with cubicles and urinals" and "cubicles only." Physical accessibility is somewhat tricky; those with greater mobility issues will likely struggle with the many steps and oddly placed handrails, and the constant low lighting is a challenge for those of us with visibility issues. However, staff absolutely bent over backwards to help my blind ass and my rickety ol' granny get into the theatre and find pretty decent seats, and did so with gigantic genuine smiles.

I attended the 14:30 matinee on Saturday the 11th of February 2023 - my only choice because TICKETS SOLD OUT FAST!! I believe that the time and date one experiences this show makes a massive difference, mostly because you're going to have a different audience if it's a later evening or weekday show. The Saturday afternoon show worked well for me because my grandmother would not have been able to attend at other times; however, it also meant that we shared the theatre with a LOT of children. Very small children. Now, this can really ruin some shows, but for a panto? It's practically ideal. There will never be a shortage of spontaneous and weird outbursts for the actors to respond to when there are dozens of children shouting whatever is in their fizzy little brains.

And now, on to the show! In fine panto tradition, we begin with an introduction to how the audience can best interact with the cast - cue cards! Everyone's favourite "It's behind you" comes with a bit of a quantum twist however! (I'll let you find out what it is yourself.)

The main conceit of the "plot" (if you can call it that) is that two characters own a horse which has somehow (exactly how is revealed, much MUCH later in the show) become "quantum" and gained the ability to be simultaneously "everywhere and nowhere" but somehow, sadly, it is never within reach of its distraught and argumentative owners.

At this point I'm going to level with you, because it's going to affect the quality of my review from this point on. I am not a regular panto attendee; I don't go to live shows very often at all. I have ADHD and just find it incredibly difficult to sit still for that long. I also don't really like being around children - let's be honest that's probably some kind of trauma thing I really need to talk about with my therapist. So I don't really know much about what makes a "good" panto or live theatre experience. I am only vaguely familiar with the "traditional" characters that one expects to show up. I did you the courtesy of reading the "pantomime" Wikipedia page though; very thoughtful of me.

If you are expecting a cohesive plot, turn around now. There are some clever bits where some scenes make reference to comments in others scenes; for example we visit London at one point, mainly because one character says they've never been before. I have to say, this was a particularly hilarious bit, with some really excellent references to London stereotypes. The only thing really holding everything together, nominally, is the quest for this Quantum Horse, but even that seems to get forgotten a lot of the time, and the focus is just on very silly interactions between hyperbolically silly characters.

There are plenty of nudge-nudge-wink-wink jokes that are Just For Grownups sprinkled throughout the script, without ever going particularly blue. I expect a less child-heavy audience would have gotten more of the latter. There's a wee bit of flirting, but only one real "true love" incident (you'll NEVER see it coming! But it is definitely adorable. Queer and neurodivergent audience members will appreciate it on about twelve different levels.) I appreciated this because I personally don't favour Disney-esque they-married-and-lived-happily-ever-after themes.

There are essentially two villains, one merely unlikable, the other properly despicable, and it was great fun to "BOO!" (or sometimes "!OOB") them.

The few critiques I have are less the result of an actual performance issues and more a matter of taste.

For example, I could really have done with a warning that this would be a three hour performance. Is this normal for pantos? I don't know, but I wasn't expecting it, and I felt very lucky that gran and I had time to enjoy a light meal just before the performance. I felt like some scenes could have been tightened up, faster paced, or done away with altogether in order to cut down on actual stage time. There were a few scenes where long pauses made it seem like perhaps someone had missed or forgotten a line, or perhaps the audience were supposed to react to something but didn't, and that may have contributed to the sense of drag.

Speaking of drag, there's plenty of it, and I don't think I'm spoiling too much if I say that Auntie Matter was a hilarious if totally superfluous addition to the story. I felt like rather than being a character who appeared in between scenes, there were opportunities for her to appear, even in the background, subtly interacting with or influencing the other characters and their behaviours. (The bit with the doors for example. I thought a glaringly obvious joke would have been to have had someone like Auntie swap the numbers on the doors.)

It was sometimes difficult to hear what the actors were saying - or singing. I'll never know the actual words to the repeated "horse" chorus, they just never came out clearly. (Dear cue cards person - sing-along subtitles for that part maybe?) This didn't stop me from enjoying it and clapping along, and the words really don't matter, they were more of a plot device anyway. Also, I suspect the acoustics were more an effect of the venue than anything else; most of the actors were clearly able to project and carefully cast their voices outward. One actor had a habit of shouting/yelling rather than projecting; possibly part of his characterisation, since it made him unpleasant to listen to, and that was kind of the point.

While words and lyrics were tricky, the actual music was GREAT!! I don't know what background the music writers or performers come from, but they are clearly skilled professionals. I don't think I caught a bum note (that wasn't intentional) or out of sync rhythm at an point, and the music itself was pitched perfectly to the tone of each character and scene. I am still catching myself humming catchy little pieces from time to time.

Costuming was a bit hit and miss, and sets were super simplistic, but again, I think this is probably because I am unfamiliar with panto traditions. Some of the costumes seemed thrown together at the last minute, while others had clearly taken hours of intense design and labour to produce. It was a delightfully confusing jumble, and probably more reflective of the budgetary restrictions than the skill and creativity of the set and costume designers.

Now about these ruddy kids. Someone please tell me, is it normal for parents to allow their small children to run amuck in theatres? Just in pantos maybe? I was shocked by this, particularly when a child jumped over my head as I was leaning down to move my drink! (Thankfully neither head nor drink suffered any damage. No apologies came from the parents either.) At one point there were no less than three children crowded around the steps up to the stage, nearly actually standing on the stage itself!

I'm not completely unempathetic of course. This all happened quite late in the show, and my restless ass was thinking hell maybe I'll run up there and shout "I'm the Quantum Horse! You found me! Show's over! Please can we go home now mummy?!" so like, I get it. I was unimpressed with the parents, but I was EXTREMELY impressed with the responses from the cast and crew. Actors were unruffled, mostly ignoring the kids but occasionally acknowledging them with a witty comment, and more importantly other members of the crew very subtly positioned themselves so as to keep both children and performers safe, without actually having to manhandle anyone's kids. If I was distracted and annoyed, at least I wasn't worried about anyone's safety, and I think that's a pretty big badge of honour for this production group.

There's not much else I can say without getting into spoiler-ific specifics. As the poster clearly depicts, there IS a somewhat random robot character who appears, and I think they were my favourite. But I have a soft spot in my heart for lonely, slightly paranoid, super-intelligent automatons, so take that with a grain of salt.

The last scenes (and the bits that bring all the "quantum" references together) are a wonderful tribute to the Cube Cinema itself, and frankly I wouldn't mind buying another ticket, and coming in after the interval, just to enjoy the last half again.

At £12 a pop, I feel like I more than got my money's worth. Especially since gran was absolutely delighted, and hasn't stopped thanking me for inviting her along. Sidenote: suspect gran may secretly be a six year old girl in a very clever disguise!

I hope when this run of the Quantum Horse comes to its end, there will be a chance in the future to see it again. If so I know exactly what I'm doing next time I'm asked to babysit for one of my friends with kids...!

Huge Thank You to the cast, crew, and and staff of the Cube for a great afternoon outing!